Jokes

Why did the skeleton leave the disco?
Because he had no body to dance with!

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A weasel is weasily recognised
and a stoat is stoatally different.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I do a poo at 7 o'clock every morning."
Doctor: "Well what's wrong with that?"
Patient: "I don't get out of bed until 9!"

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!

Darth Vader:"Before we enter mortal combat let me tell you that you are getting a walkman for christmas."
Luke Skywalker:"How on earth do you know that?"
Darth Vader:"I have felt your presence!"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

What's black & white and eats like a horse?
A zebra!

What did the spider say to the beetle?
Stop bugging me!

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a windscreen?
It's bum!

What vehicle would a trout ride?
A motorpike & side-carp!

Petshop owner: "Hello madam, what can I do for you?"
Lady: "I would like a rabbit for my little girl please."
Petshop owner: "I'm sorry madam we don't do swaps."

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Yah
Yah who?
YAHOO, is there are party going on in there?!....

What's the first thing gorillas learn at school?
Their Ape-B-C!

Did you hear about the magician who was walking down the road and turned into a flower shop?

How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?
You step in a poodle.

Did you hear about the man who crossed an hyena and an oxo cube?
He made a laughing stock of himself!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant!

Why do elephants paint the souls of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in custard!
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard?
That shows what good camouflage it is then!

What's yellow and goes round and round?
A banana in a washing machine!

What is green and goes boing, boing, boing?
A spring cabbage!

What do you call a robot made of snow?
A Snowbot!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A Wonkey
What do you call a donkey with three legs and a nervous twitch?
A Winky Wonkey
What do you call a donkey with three legs, a nervous twitch and no ears?
Anything, he can't hear you!

What lies on the sea floor and quivers?
A nervous wreck!

What's green and goes up and down?
A pea in a lift!

A man walks into a bar. Ouch! it was an iron bar.

What goes ha, ha, ha, bonk?
A man laughing his head off!

Why does Edward Woodward have four d's in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

Why is the beach wet?
Because the sea weed!

Two vultures are eating a clown. One looks up at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

What's ET short for?
Because he's got little legs!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman turns to him and says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

What's got 24 legs, a long nose, very sharp teeth, and a long tail?
A table, 4 chairs, and a crocodile!?!

We are desperately in need of new jokes (as you can tell), we would love to put your favourite joke on this page. Click here to submit a joke

Many thanks for jokes going out to: Pat, Zeb, Granny & Grandad Peeb, Rob, Joseph, Jack, & Sam.